The End Result of Caffeine and Thought...

2003-04-28T16:16:00.000-05:00

Love Knows No Boundaries

Homosexual relationships go unrecognized in almost every country in the world, even in this day and age. Although we have made tremendous progress in virtually every other arena of social issues, there is still a feeling of persecution and a sense of hostility and unfairness towards the gay community. It is a beautiful thing when two people fall in love and want to commit their lives to one another; an even more beautiful thing when a couple want to have and raise a child, to further express their love in other ways. Unfortunately, in our society, this is not okay. Some countries - two, actually: Belgium and the Netherlands - have legalized same-sex marriages, but adoption is still forbidden everywhere except the Netherlands. This is how it should be, according to Bruce Fein, who believes that we should Reserve Marriage for Heterosexuals. However, according to Thomas Stoddard, in Marriage Is a Fundamental Right, this way of thinking is comparable to white supremacy. Thomas Stoddard is correct in his belief that each and every person should be entitled to marry whomever he or she may choose. If someone is blessed enough to find the one person they desire to spend eternity with, they should be allowed. Further, married couples should always be allowed to have children of their own to love and nurture.

According to Bruce Fein, “authorizing the marriage of homosexuals … would be unenlightened social policy” (242). Fein believes that a child raised by two adults of the same sex would suffer from this environment. He claims that, regardless of the parents’ love for one another, as well as the child, this is no excuse to allow them the joys of parenthood. He states that a child requires the presence of both a male and female figure in order to reach a balanced mindset and develop properly. However, one must consider that there are a vast number of functional children, especially in America, raised by a single parent. Many of these children turn out just fine, true, but two parents are typically better than one. What about the children sitting alone in orphanages, unloved and abandoned, who face an uncertain future? If homosexuals were allowed to adopt as married couples, sharing the custody of their children, more and more children would be placed into loving homes. Fewer instances of detached, violent, and lethargic children would be reported. From that, we would have less and less adults of broken backgrounds, because someone loved them and took care of them.

One must also realize that a father and a mother do not always a happy family make. Take into consideration the number of abusive husbands and fathers we see in our society. Think about how many neglectful and abusive homes exist at this time, not only in the United States, but the world. Just because two adults of the opposite sex marry and reproduce, there is no guarantee of their ability to provide, nurture, and protect. Granted, there can never be any guarantees, regardless of the nature of the parental unit, but when parents have to decide and go out of their way to have children, it seems as though they would logically make the better guardians. They have to want the children. They have to go into this lifelong contract, knowing that they will be required to support and care for this child from that point forward. There can be no accidents in these circumstances.

Fein ignores the frequency of broken homes in our society today. Regardless of the presence of both male and female parental figures, it is impossible to guarantee that the adults will care for and about their children. Many children nowadays are mistakes, and they are fully aware of it. Young couples are often forced to be married because of accidental pregnancies, and end up feeling robbed of their freedom and their youth. The blame is heaped upon the child: the product of their wrongdoings. However, in the instance of same sex relationships, it is impossible for accidental pregnancies to occur. Two women would have just as hard a time conceiving as two men would. It cannot be done. Thus, parents would have to adopt their children, hand-picking them from among the other orphans. The children would be brought up knowing that they are extra special because their parents got to pick them out. It seems clearly obvious that two loving parents, both dedicated to the child they themselves chose, would be much better suited role-models than a male and female couple who inflict pain and suffering on the children they do not want. Partners who seek out their children and adopt them into their family are most definitely up to par with opposite-sex spouses who love and nurture the children they desired and produced. How is it really all that different?

Thomas Stoddard believes that anyone who desires the joy of marriage should be allowed to experience this permanent bond. He feels that the government has no right to regulate whom a person can or cannot marry, and that this biased attempt at totalitarianism lends a comparable nod to the – until recently – forbidden union of interracial couples. Stoddard addresses those who are against the allowance of same-sex marriages, who feel that they would be “anti-family”. He states, “Marriage creates families and promotes social stability. In an increasingly loveless world, those who wish to commit themselves to a relationship founded upon devotion should be encouraged, not scorned” (241). He continues to point out the absurdity in forbidding homosexual couples to have children. He points out that there is no argument in marriage as a child-making faction. If the sole purpose for marriages were simply for the purpose of procreation, “states would forbid marriage between those who, by reason of age or infertility, cannot have children...” (241), as well as marriages between two people who choose not to have children for any number of different reasons. One could compare with ease the nature of feelings toward interracial marriages, less than a century ago, to the current nature of feelings toward same-sex marriages. Radical, conservative whites did not want blacks marrying into their race. Conversely, this same breed of “Heterosexual Supremacists” will hear nothing of the concept of same-gender marriages. They would rather pretend that homosexuals are not human, or are genetically flawed, mentally inferior, or simply confused.

Constitutionally, we, as Americans, have the right to the pursuit of happiness. How is the inability to marry the person you love going to make you feel? Certainly not happy! Marriage cements financial stability, it gives comfort and assurance and protection, and it should never be forbidden to anyone.

The United States is lagging behind other countries in its recognition of same-sex unions. While couples of the same gender are allowed to live together and are sometimes recognized as partners, they rarely are given the benefits a married couple receives, such as the ability to bury a deceased spouse and draw their pension after death. Issues have come up forbidding many aspects of married life to same-sex couples – issues often taken for granted by married couples. Vermont saw a case in 1998, Baker v. State of Vermont, which brought about a declaration from their Supreme Court, declaring that the blockage of same-sex marriages and rights was unconstitutional. Around this same time, Hawaii heard the Baehr v. Miike case, pushing them to reconsider opening civil marriages to same-sex couples. This, however, never came to light (Graff).

Currently, the African National Congress is calling for same-sex marriages in South Africa. In Germany, a 1998 poll showed that an overwhelming 62 percent of citizens supported their then-new government’s plan to have same-sex partnerships practically mirroring heterosexual marriages. Countries such as the Czech Republic, Brazil, Spain, and Switzerland are reviewing bills to allow the protection of same-sex marriages. In France, Norway, Denmark, Finland, Greenland, Iceland, and Sweden, homosexuals can enter legal partnerships that are everything but marriage. The right to adopt is still forbidden. The law in Netherlands states that couples may marry, regardless of gender, and ensure that any child born to two legal partners shall have two legal parents. This allows couples the additional options of adoption and alternative conception. In Australia, Canada, and Britain, immigration policies offer legal residency to their citizens’ foreign-born spouses, regardless of sex. In July 1997, British Columbia’s legislature changed the definition of the term “spouse” to include same-sex partners. This move allows more money to go to children for child custody and support (Graff).

Our country is not keeping up with the main players of the rest of the world. Other industrialized, modernized countries are realizing that allowing couples to marry, regardless of gender, is not only the fair thing to do, but also the right thing to do. America should see that government intervention of love is just plain wrong. In our society, we recognize and embrace change frequently. This is the way we work: we progress. Just a few decades ago, women were not able to vote, they gave up their property to their husbands upon marriage, and they were not allowed to terminate unwanted or potentially harmful pregnancies. Women used to be looked down upon for wearing pants instead of skirts or dresses. We saw that times were changing, and our government and its people had to welcome change. Now, we need to take that a step further: allow two women to marry one another. Allow two men to marry one another. Interracial marriages were once forbidden, but now black citizens can marry Mexican-Americans, white citizens can marry Indian-Americans, and everyone in between can marry any person of any race or ethnicity – so long as they are of the opposite sex. It is long past time to recognize the inappropriate legislation that forbids couples from sharing in eternal matrimony. It is time to pull the people of our nation into the twenty-first century and bring ourselves up with the pace of modern times. The time is now.

Works Cited

Fein, Bruce. "Reserve Marriage for Heterosexuals”.
Mosier and Watters 242-244.

Graff, E.J. “The Trend Toward Same-Sex Marriage”.
The Boston Globe. February 2, 1998.

Mosier, Joyce and Ann Watters. Creating America. 3rd ed.
Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Ed, Inc., 2002.

Stoddard, Thomas. “Marriage Is A Fundamental Right”.
Mosier and Watters 239 - 241.

2003-04-21T23:07:00.000-05:00

I have just discovered a cavity. It hurts me so. I think I will go cry now.

2003-02-18T22:26:00.000-06:00

Fries and honey must be the food of the Gods.

2002-12-10T21:14:00.000-06:00

Ahh, much better. No more annoying quizzes. Gone, gone gone. I chose, however, to leave up one of the quizzes I took mid-October, because it contains an image of a sculpture. A sculpture which I wrote an eight page essay on this morning during my Art History final.
Yes, eight pages.
Yes, in class.
No, not typed.
Yes, I nearly cried.

Oh well, it's over. I believe I got an A. Hopefully...? And now, fair viewers, the time has come for me to depart. I must join a friend at the Virtual Bean so that we can get, as we say, our "study on".

2002-12-10T21:11:00.000-06:00

Dear Blogger,

I have missed you so! How we ever parted, I'm really unsure, but things are going to be different now - just you wait! I'm back! Let's begin with some major house cleaning, shall we?

Things are going to be different around here. I can feel it.

All my love,
Alison

2002-10-13T22:52:00.000-05:00

What Was Your PastLife?

The funny thing is that this sculpture? The one in the graphic? Yea, it's Michelangelo's Moses. MOSES. Not a philosopher. Look really closely - he's got horns.

2002-10-04T09:53:00.000-05:00

I am going to Boston today.
I have to go take a shower.
I need to leave for class in two hours.
I need to finish some last minute packing.
I need more sleep :(
I am going to Boston.

2002-09-29T01:25:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel translucent.

I enjoyed tonite, brief as it was. Ashley and I learned a lot about each other. Mmm, bueno. I don't know.

I'm going to go pretend that I still matter now.

Goodnite, anybody.

2002-09-27T03:18:00.000-05:00

Tonite....... (tonite... stars in her eyes outshine the stars in the skys....) (i need to download that song!!! AH!)

- I talked to Brendan.
- I love Brendan.
- I now only have to wait one week.
- I miss Brendan.
- I want to go to the fair.
- I want to eat corn at the fair.
- I do not want Craig to eat a deep fried Candy Bar, again, at the fair.
- I miss Brendan.
- I miss my aminals.
- I miss taking photographs constantly.
- I hear Radiohead.
- I really, really want to brush my teeth; alas, Deserae has held the Facilities captive for the past eighty three hours. No, that's not right. No, minutes, not hours.
- Minutes.
- My brother is making up stuff about me.
- My brother reads this.
- Austin, Dad said you never got grounded. Yet, you told a lot of people you did. Hmmm....?
- Brendan shaved. No more beard. Wow, it's been so long since I have seen him without the beard.
- It has been five weeks and approximately three days sine I have seen him at all. Except for the pictures I have. I mean in person.
- I enjoyed drawing a mug today.
- It's three seventeen in the morning. Do you know where your children are?
- Sleeping, that's where.
- Sleeping.
- Sleep.

sweet dreams.

2002-09-26T01:10:00.001-05:00

There's no "I" in TEAM.

2002-09-26T01:10:00.000-05:00

I stay wrecked and jealous for this simple reason: I just need to keep you in mind as something larger than life.

So that has nothing to do with anything except being one of the final lines of the song I'm listening to, but it's a good line. Yea. Good song too.

Tonite.... I should have hooked up with some "Stillwatuh" kiddies but didn't. Ah well, they're probably all too drunk to hang out now. ::sigh:: So it goes.

Eight days until Brendan.

I'm going to go take a shower in the dark, now, BOYEEE.

2002-09-15T22:07:00.000-05:00

You can't cuddle with a voice
I didn't do a whole lot. I got back to Stillwater around 1-ish because Lindsay had a soccer game and I had to get her back fast. So I went back to my room and tried to sleep. After fourty five minutes or so of trying to sleep, I finally dozed off, only to be ripped from my blissful slumber by my ringing telephone.
Brendan?!?!?
Dad. Oh. Well. So, five minutes of listening to him, and then I tried to sleep again.
No luck.
So I hung out around my room for like five hours and then around 8 took a shower... ended up at the Bean at almost 9 instead of seven like I had planned. I was going to study there but there were a whole lot of people there. I didn't want to study in that place anymore. Too smoky, besides.
Got my latte to go, and went over to Pistol Pizza to get dinner, even though I wasn't particularly hungry. I haven't been that hungry lately. I haven't been much of anything lately. Oh well.
When I got back to Bennett, I somehow managed to grab the best parking spot in the universe. And, as I was getting out, this girl came up to me and was like "Heyyy I've been wanting to know who drives that car I LOVE Alkaline Trio!" and such forth. Jamie, my new acquaintance, likes a whole lot of the same music I do and she was like "wow we should hang out sometime" which is cool because she lives ONE door down from me. Odd, no? I hope something actually comes out of this because a bunch of people have said something along those lines, "we should hang out", but they aren't exactly beating down my door or calling me or anything. So, yea.
When I got back to my room my voice mail light was flashing and my spirits were instantly lifted because I thought, okay, that's Bren, calling to tell me the number I can call him back on (Because he started a new job today and they went to New York City). So I check my voice mail and, for one thing, I had missed his call by only fifteen minutes. And, he was calling to tell me that he was in Connecticut and that he was going to try really hard to call me tonite but said that it really didn't look like he would be able to. And that he would try to call me tomorrow.
And I cried.
I'm still crying. I am feeling so pathetic. Why did this have to be this way? These circumstances suck. I went through years and years of neverending shit and I finally find someone who makes me feel incredible and special and important and beautiful and wanted and what happens? He gets ripped away from me to the other side of the country. I feel so alone. I just miss him so much and I know I keep whining about this and all and I'm honestly going to be suprised if anybody reads this part of the entry. I know it looks like I am just babbling. Perhaps I am. I just miss him so much. I still can't believe that someone could actually care that much about me. I cannot comprehend that he returns the feelings that I have for him. That he loves me back.
I'm sorry.
I'm going to go try to study. At least it's just writing. Anything I read tonite wouldn't sink in because my head is so full it feels like it could easily just explode or fall off or otherwise be destroyed.

2002-09-14T02:46:00.000-05:00

2002-09-14T01:45:00.000-05:00

I wouldn't make you cry, Jamie. Just don't push me...

Today as I was walking back to Bennett, I got to thinking...

would a female pedestrian be considered a pedestrienne....?

2002-09-14T01:16:00.000-05:00

Even though I'm right about to CHANGE MY FREAKIN PASSWORD JAMIE CHRISTINE PIERSON WHOSE SECRETS I KNOW!!!! Just remember... I could say things....

2002-09-13T19:24:00.000-05:00

Even though xanga is dumb and blogger is cool . . .

And Jamie is dumb and Alison is cool . . .

2002-09-13T18:43:00.000-05:00

By the way, I have this thing, www.xanga.com/coffeeshopgirl that should work...?

2002-09-13T00:29:00.000-05:00

Today we drew loofahs. No, not the little plastic mesh spongey things you scrub-a-dub-dub with, but the other kind. The VEGETABLE! Yes, a loofah is a veggie. See, those *organic*, real bath loofahs come from this plant. And when they're commercially grown to grow up into big loofahs for bathtime fun, they grow 'em big big big! But, when they're grown for eating, they're lil. About the size of cucumbres. Yes, I know I spelled it cucumbre, I decided to do that like theatre and such. Anyway. But they're kinda like cucumbers.. they're green, lighter green though, and fuzzy. And they're fluted (or ribbed, but that sounds dirty so I'm gonna go with fluted), so they're kinda weird looking. And they were seriously tough to draw. I don't know, a big part of that was because I was so freaking out of it. I did NOT feel good. I think I'm going to sleep a lot tomorrow... Go back to bed after PolySci. Yea. No I won't, I'll do my homework and I know it. I'll sleep Friday night (Friday means three weeks til Brendan!). Anyway, Drawing. Marty (my professor) and I talked about photography for like twenty or thirty minutes, and he told me about all these different exhibits he's seen. I'm so jealous. He saw an exhibit of Diane Arbus' work, in London. My gosh, that woman was freaking brilliant. She photographed, in her own words, "freaks". The pictures she made were of the patients of asylums, of residents of nudist colonies (like the ones where you LIVE and RESIDE there, stark nekked!), of twins and triplets, of really REALLY old people, of children with severe disabillites, etc. She photographed reality. Even when she photographed normal people, it was as though she had ripped them open and exposed their flaws to the world.
I want to do that. I want to DO that. I WANT TO DO THAT. I want to make a photograph and hang it up somewhere and SHOCK SOMEONE. I want someone to look at my work and THINK, and be made uncomfortable, or terrified, or ecstatic, or depressed, or elated, or just plain MOVED. I WANT TO DO THAT. I WILL DO THAT. I am going to show truth. I am. Just wait and see. I will show the world.

I'm exhausted. I finally got all creative today and after three hours of drawing, I came back to my room and painted for another hour and I wrote and wrote and I don't think I can write anymore. So, I am going to go read now. Good nite all. Sweet dreams.

2002-09-12T14:28:00.000-05:00

Hey kids, check it out. Everybody's doing it.

What type of Bishounen are you? Find out at artificial-soul.net by Rin.

Later kiddies, time for class. YAYYY drawing!!

2002-09-11T18:38:00.000-05:00

hehe, Al made the mistake of entrusting me with the care of her blog. Hehehe. I put in a guestbook and some links, at her request. I put myself on her user list, not necessarily at her request but I don't think against her wishes. But I can change her template and anything else I want to whenever I want. hehehe. I am the evil weblog gremlin. I am high on my meager html skills and am wrecking havoc. Bwhaha.

2002-09-11T00:05:00.000-05:00

I miss being in his arms, because that's the one place where I know nothing can hurt me.

2002-09-10T00:31:00.000-05:00

My stomach is hurting a whole, whole lot. I am not going to type much at all tonite, but feel obligated to update. In a nutshell, the past twenty seven hours were crappy. No, that's a lie. The time from around 1030 last night and 5 pm tonite were crappy. After that I got to see Karen, James, and Jen, and so all was grand, plus I got to talk to Bren agan. But yea, I will tell all about my ordeals later. Just know that, aside from all the agonies of yesterday, I was feeling even worse today. I returned to Tulsa (being sure to get stopped by the highway patrol during my interlude in Pawnee) to be among people I love. Ironically, I saw Lindsey on the way out, when I stopped at the Virtual Bean. I'm sure I made no sense to her because I was so frazzled, I simply threw together a few hundred words and hurled them in her general direction. Ahhh, desolation.

I am seriously wondering about the status of my health. I feel excessively ill tonite. Maybe the baking soda flavourings of my new toothpaste have yet to work out an agreement with my taste buds and stomach. Come on, compromise! No, that isn't it. I'm messing up my body, I'm sure. I hate this. I feel so isolated... helpless... forlorn... I'll stop there. One more: desolate. Alright, I am finished. I am going to try to sleep now. Ugh I can't miss classes tomorrow. I'll be alright, I need to quit wallowing in this pool of selfishness and despair. October Four... I'll be fine.

2002-09-09T01:18:00.000-05:00

Someone I care about has breast cancer.

I went out tonite... I'll come back to that. The point is, on my way back to Bennett, as I was walking inside I passed a guy I recognized, who was sitting outside having a cigarette. He stopped me, and we talked, and he told me that this person, who I don't know incredibly well, but who matters enough to me to be a serious role model, and who I value and consider a good friend, was diagnosed with breast cancer recently. I don't know what to think. He told me that he's going to go back to Tulsa to see her, and we got to talking... apparently it's something not a lot of people know about, but he knew I was close to her so thought I should know. None of you reading this will know who she is save one person, who probably already knows anyway. Don't be alarmed. But I saw her recently and she didn't even let on... She just wanted to hear about me, how I'm doing now. God, I can only imagine how that must feel. Sitting here, reflecting, I realize that she is even stronger than I ever thought. She is one of the few adults who doesn't exude that superiority complex. She is my mentor. She is my friend, and she is facing a tragic possibility.

On a positive note, though, I made a friend. That makes, what, four?

You know, I think I big part of my loneliness here isn't so much being away from everybody I'm so close to. Don't get my wrong, that's really, really rough. But tonite, when I was wandering the aisles of Albertson's at midnite-thirty, looking all over the place for Tom's of Maine toothpaste (Okay, their toothpaste aisle is nowhere near where I expected it to be, and that whole store is just screwed up) and the freaking produce section, I realized that there is nobody here for me to hug. I don't have anybody to hug! I'm such a huggy person, too. So, this weekend I kept running into people and I got so many hugs and it was great but I get back here and all I can think about is how much I need a hug, someone's arms around me, just to let me know that they care about me. I know that people care about me, but hugs just prove it. And that's all I need right now. It would put me so much more at ease to have somone in Stillwater to hug... especially at times like this, when I can hear my roomate and her boyfriend, um, hugging, in the next room. Ugh, not only is that disgusting, but it's depressing.

In other news...

Tonite, they played Incubus at the Virtual Bean. Now, I know it's sappy, but bare (bear?) with me here. We all know music is therapy for me, as it is for the majority of my dear readers. There is this song, by Incubus. I Miss You. It's short, sweet, and beautiful. I love it. Download the acoustic version. Anyway, I'm standing here in this coffeeshop, thinking about how I just need someone's arms around me, and this song starts playing. This song that I always listen to when I'm missing Bren (along with Newfound Mass, but that's the Get Up Kids) just magically starts up when I'm down and getting depressed and wanting him to be there to hold me. Weird, no? Yea, I thought so too, and of course the eyes begin to water and it's just this pathetic sappy little scene for Alison. I miss him so much. I know, I know, you're all probably really really tired of hearing this. But some of you (ahem) owe me this so just smile and nod. Brendan is the coolest person I have ever met in my entire life and I love you all to death but oh man, I want to be with him so freaking much. I talk to him every day but it's just not the same. I can't even hold his hand until October 4th. 11:47 pm, my flight arrives in Boston.

Here are the lyrics to that Incubus song:

I Miss You

To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real. To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold Utopian dream. You do something to me that I can't explain, so would I be out of line if I said, I miss you...? I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine. You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away. I know I'll see you again, whether far or soon. But I need you to know that I care, and I miss you.

Okay, now, simple, sweet and to the point, so put it to music and hit play. Now tell me I'm pathetic, and I'll tell you I already know. Oh and I've been listening to Living In Your Letters (Dashboard) a lot lately cause of the whole long distance theme, too.

Hey guys, I got some CareBears undies!!! Ahhh I'm excited! I just wanted you all to know that. Oh and something else interesting: Amy said someone told her I am hot (?) and asked if I have a boyfriend (??). But she didn't remember who asked her this. But that's weird. Oh well. I got my Anti-Flag hoodie back from her today and it smelled good. That kid has more yummy smelly stuff than I've ever seen in one place, outside of places that SELL the stuff. Seriously, she could run a perfumey store out of her bedroom. She also has the freaking cutest kitten ever. Sidney Vicious.

I think I'm going to take my sleeping pills now. Tomorrow I have geology and political science. Afterwards, I'm going to call the OSU Health people and schedule an appointment, because I cannot handle anymore of this insomnia B.S. I am having trouble staying awake in class now. I just need to relax, and I'm fully aware of that, but nothing's working besides knocking myself out at night. At least I haven't resorted to taking No-Doz in the morning. That would get really, really scary. If you guys find something cool or just want to say hi, send me something! 142B Bennett Hall Stillwater. There, I left the state and zip code out so anybody who just stumbles along can't find me. Ha, right. I'm just taking the necessary precautions. Well kids, I love you and miss you all. Until next time - fare thee well.

2002-09-06T01:36:00.000-05:00

I'm going to Boston, I'm going to Boston, I'm going to Boston!! I'M GOING TO BOSTON!!! In only thirty days, I get to see my Brendan again! NO! 29 days!!! AHHHHH!!!!

Guess what? The Get Up Kids have a song for me! It's called Newfound Mass... I got so excited when I heard it - Massachusetts stole someone else! Punks. Anyway, I'm going to share the lyrics now:

If I told you that I was thinking of moving east,
would you save a place for me?
I'll come home.
It's worse than I expected.
A place in my heart,
home to the west.
We'll watch the same sunsets.
And when I doubt,
I'll look east.
Lock my heart in a brass box
to Newfound Mass.
I'm breaking off,
but this is my home...
I'd do anything for you;
give you the world if I could.
Is that what you want me to do?
Bridges and boundaries
are bringing me closer to you.

Yayyy.

I typed it like that so as to take up as much space as possible. Otherwise, this would end up a rather miniscule entry, as I'm getting to be quite tired. I had two lattes tonite, but I am justified because they were one shot each, rather than two. It's so nice not having to pay for them! They go on my meal plan! How incredibly RAD is that?! Quite rad, really.

I only have two classes tomorrow. Two lectures. Today I almost fell asleep in my art history lecture. I felt really bad because I don't dislike that class. I'm not going to lie, it's kinda boring right now, all this talk of ancient stuff. But still I find it interesting, I mean, my teach knows tons, and a lot about mythology so we're discussing lots of that stuff, too! I'd rather sleep through PolySci. No, there are 300 people in there... I'd rather sleep in my room. Yea, that's it. Oh and just so everyone knows, I'm going to go to the doctor soon to figure on this insomnia thing. The last thing I need is to turn into Tyler Durden. Speaking of which, there's a guy at the Virtual Bean who looks like him! Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Not up close, though. Unless it's at an angle. But really, shaved head, stubbly beard thing, defined facial features, etc. It's kinda spooky. Seriously, Tyler Durden! Agh!

Okay, time for me to attempt to sleep. It's only 1:30 but I want to get up before eleven tomorrow. Won't happen but I'd like to think I could try it. Hmm, perhaps?

See ya kiddies later, and remember: Electric staplers and fingers don't mix!

2002-08-31T16:44:00.000-05:00

I'm headed back to TTown here really soon.

I tried to update yesterday, but after about thirty minutes of typing, I accidentally rebooted my computer. Don't ask, I'm a moron, and I'm not used to this computer and didn't KNOW what this ONE button did. POOF!!! All of my agonies and happiness and college-related ramblings were gone. Just like that.

My stomach is rumbling at me, so I'm going to stop at Aspen Coffee Co on the way out of Stillwater and get a latte and perhaps a muffin or something. Who knows? Only God. Really, because I don't even know myself.

I have to mail a bunch of letters. Hey, does anybody want to write me a letter? If you do, I'll allow you to do so! YEA!! But like I really don't feel like putting my address on my weblog.. call me paranoid... so I'll give it to Jame Kayla and Karen and Ash and whoever else. Ask me/them for it! :D

I have to stick around to meet Lindsey's boyfriend. Guess what? He is just like Brendan. These guys seriously have more things in common than you could imagine. Everything from the same birthday to an adoration of the Simpson's, to being bass players, not being able to swim, having weird hair (Bren's is green, Daniels is gone), not liking american flags, having a lot of heritage ( I only remember that Daniel is half Asian of some sort. Brendan being half Irish, and something like one fourth Czech and one fourth German). It's just plain scary. Anyway, the kid's coming into town today, and so I said I'd stick around to meet him and then I'll proceed home to Tulsa.

I really, really want some french fries suddenly. I have no idea why.

Hey, guess what? OSU Has an eco-club! I'm so excited, becuase dad's been on my case to join a club and get involved. He's right, though, I should do something. So this is a great opportunity! I'll get to meet other cool people, yay!

I like this song. It's by the Foo Fighters, a fun little song called See You. When Amy & I were driving around awhile back, she was being so cute. She was seeing along, going "One thing is always true, how good it is to see AIRON!!!!" it was so great. I need to call her!

I dyed my hair today. Its black for the next few days. It'll soon fade to a deep brown but, for now, it's pretty much black.

Thursday, in drawing, it was so much fun. We drew styrofoam cups! It was great. It was quite challenging. There were maybe seven or eight cups, all standing up correctly, then about five which he had cut in half, and were laying down like little white tunnels. With one end sealed. Yea. But anyway it was fun but it was difficult because he wanted us to draw BIG... which I have a tendency to do, anyway. So it was just hard to get the proportions right and all that, plus the shading, and the *elliptic shapes*. But I love that class!

Taylor Hanson is in my Politcal Science class.

Okay, so there's this guy in my PolySci class who looks kinda like him. Not extremely, but still. Anyway the point is I noticed that he was wearing Con's on one of the first days of class. Wellll Friday (yesterday), he was wearing a Ramone's shirt. So I thought "hmm, potential cool person." And I would have said something to him, but I really needed to tour the facilities so, I didn't. Hahaha, yea Cake!

I dropped off a roll of film at Wal Mart yesterday. I had never used their photo-processing stuff before, but Lindsey had and didn't want Walgreens, and this was cheaper, so I was fine with it. I just hope they don't mess them up because these are the before, during, and after pictures of the Dyeing Brendan's Hair Green Saga. Yeaa. He looked like Luke Skywalker for a bit hehehe.

Hey I just talked to Craig. He's great.

Oh and, props to Chris and Karen on the new weblog layouts. I heard there was quite the "HTML-block" there for awhile. Oh man I had so much fun with that little picture of Chris. I must have clicked that thing twenty times. Fun for the easily amused!

Well, I guess it's about time for me to be leaving now. I've met the boyfriend, and am now on my way OUT! See ya later kiddies.

2002-08-07T03:15:00.000-05:00

You know what I love about Kayla? Well okay so I can't quite put my finger on it so I'll give an example: We are discussing winter apparel. I mention my fascination with peacoats. She reminds of a story she's told me before, where she saw a peacoat at a thrift shop for dollarsseven, and it fit perfectly, yet she didn't purchase it. She says that she wishes she HAD bought the peacoat, so that she could give it to me. And her saying that makes me feel almost as good as if I actually had recieved the coat! Because if she had the means, she would immediately go back in time and buy me that coat! And I appreciate that a WHOLE lot! The end.

2002-08-07T03:11:00.000-05:00

Part One: Alison and Brendan Forget Their Own Anniversary...

One month, July 4 - August 4. And yet, we don't even remember. Oh well, neither of us were pissy about it, so hey. Anyway, YESTERDAY! We were together for about twelve point five hours. Much fun. We went to SuperTarget! I got a few things for my dormitory, suite, really. I also purchased some Powerpuff Girls FLOORMATS for my car!!! :::applause::: Also, a cheapo little bookshelf type thing, and some sheets, and a coconut, and some sushi for Bren. And a bunch of other stuff but I cannot think of it. Moving along, I will be living in Stillwater in approx. nine days. Class starts the following Monday, August 19.

In other news, I have Harry Potter bandaids plastered to various parts of my body. I hacked my leg in two places shaving today, and those were only the third and fourth times I have EVER cut myself shaving. Ever! EVER!

Part Two: The Scary Girl Who Inadvertently Boosted My Ego

A few days back, Jamie, Jen and I ran into Michael Levell or Lovell or WHATEVER at the theatre (Where we saw Stuart Little 2 and Brendan), and he asked me to come to the Gypsy tonite. So I mentioned it to Brendan because our plans for the day had been shot because I had to help my dad and he had to work. But, he didn't really want to go to the Gypsy because some girl who had a "wicked" crush on him, and now hates him, would be there, and he didn't want to deal with that. So then all day I'm thinking "Haha, he likes me more". And I know that sounds lame and shallow and all, but oh man, if you really think about it, it fed my narcissism which, by the way, is still nonexistant. It's invisible in comparison to Jamie's, especially. But then, to further fuel the fire, we end up at Gypsy, and guess who is not there? Yep, psycho girl. Later, Brendan says he wished she was there, so that he could be like "F**K YOU!! LOOK WHAT I FOUND!!" And that made me glow :D

Kayla's Latest Great Saying: "Mythology In A Bottle!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Word of the Moment: Linguitics!

2002-07-29T12:32:00.000-05:00

Man oh man oh man. I feel great. Last night I had more fun than I have had in... ever. Probably. It was fun. I got home from *Lauren's* at like... 9? Then I crashed. I was only going to sleep until ten but dad woke me up at noon. Hahhaha wooooops! Anyway my teeth are chattering. And I'm kinda cold. But other than that, I feel quite great. Last night Brendan and I decided that we really do love each other. Yep. All is well. You know, he pointed out something that I feel I must share with the rest of the world (or, the four of you who love me enough to read this and are going to be calling/emailing/IM'ing me about this freaking entry), and it's not something he came up with on his own don't worry he's not dirty or anything. It's from Maxim. ::averts eyes, whistles:: anyway it was something about towels, and how we usually only use them once, and then toss 'em in the dirty clothes. But think about it: YOU ARE CLEAN when you use them. Therefore... the towel is still clean, no? So we should never even have to wash towels. Just dry them. That would actually be gross because of the moisture and mold and blah blah blah blah blah blah I did not know that Borders was open until eleven EVERY night - Barnes closes at nine on Sundays. So I got to get a latte last night but I only drank like half of it. I was concentrating on water more than anything. Hahaha I poured water all over Bren while he was driving :X Have I told everyone about the smoothie incedent? Because if I haven't, let me know. I will gladly enlighten. Anyway but, I saw Brett de Philmore at Borders and I was talking to him, because I haven't seen him in forever, but I also saw an old friend, Mandy - wait, it's M*ndy - but she was being weird and glaring at me while I tried to talk to him so he was eventually like "okay... well... bye.." and he was with people from Chicago, one of whom REALLY looked like Taylor Hanson. Brett was the one who pointed it out, too. He was like "yea, I'm with those people. I promise he's not a Hanson" it was so great. Okay my fingers are starting to feel really really heavy and I'm going to go now. I love you all, I really do! BYE!

2002-07-17T10:33:00.000-05:00

MY TOES ARE FROZED! I am quite cold. And here I am, all stinky and dirty, as I have yet to shower today. Don't worry, I've only ben awake for about an hour. Stupid dog. Anyway, yesterday Kayla and I went out to 55th and Garnett to Accurate Auto Body, where my deceased Metro lives. So I got all of my necessary stuff out of it - leaving tons of trash. Really. I'm so glad Kayla went with me, else I would have forgotten all the buttons on the ceiling and the dictionary under the seat. I did, though, forget to look in the glove compartment, but that's okay because my dad just realized he needed the tag number and expiration, so guess who gets to go out there AGAIN? Yes, yes I do. Goodie. After that I have to meet with my dad for at least an hour to figure out some stupid college stuff. Mostly signing random papers and such. I never realized how much paper would be involved and how many things you have to sign and fill out and all that. What a waste. They probably don't even recycle.

I talked to Demetrios online for the first time EVER last night. It was odd. We're supposed to get together tomorrow, so that will be good because I haven't seen him in awhile.

Okay kids, I'm gonna head off to the wonderful shower of cleanliness, but I will leave you with a song. Hmmm... what song? HAHA I've got it! Karen will LOVE this one!!

::Well Let me tell you now - I came to bring the pain, hardcore from the brain, let's go inside my astro plane... Find out my mental UH based on instrumental HOO records - hey - so I can write monumental, METHODS I'm not the King, but n****rs is decap, I'll stick em for my brain, check it! ::

Okay that song is dirty. I would, however, like for everyone to know that I do know all of the words to a Wu Tang Clan song. The Mindless Self Indulgence version, too!! Yay me. Okay moving along....

No, no I think I'm done with song lyrics. Now I'm listening to Bring the Pain (previously mentioned song) and it's funny. And I don't feel like typing anymore so, GOOD BYE!

::I'll be hectic, and coming for the hippies, protecting, F**K IT!! Two tears in a BUCKET!!!::

2002-07-16T00:19:00.000-05:00

- Deathcab For Cutie :: Something About Airplanes -

It was a good day.

Today, Brendan and Alison made the 62 mile jaunt from Tulsa to Stillwater. The goal? To measure my room and determine whether or not I would be able to get the RED TARTAN PLAID couch my mom found into the room. The result? The doors to Bennett Apartments are locked. Yes, folks, they were locked. No measuring for us. We also got kinda spooked because some of the Campus Nazis... umm... I mean, Police... were prowling around, looking at bikes and such. They followed us to the car! So we just basically bummed around Stillwater for a few hours, ate at Mexico Joe's... tried to go to the Record Exchange - it was shut down... Yea, it was kind of a waste, but I got to spend a significant chunk of time with Brendan, and he got to see where I will be living, since he won't get to see it when I'm actually staying there. So, I had a fun day. We even stopped at a few stores.. one of them was kinda scary but, hey, whatever floats certain people's boats, right? Right.

So hey, guess who's coming to town? DieRadioDie, that's who! I'm listening to New England Sunrise right now! I just finished listening to Death Cab For Cutie. Pictures In An Exhibition. Woo.

Okay, it's about to become sleepy time. I was trying to wait up on Bren so I could talk to him but OH GOD I'm tired. My eyes are watering. Oh well. Before I leave I would like to say that Lowell, MA is a GREAT Deathcab song! :D Oh god Massachusetts. ::sniff:: Later kids!

2002-07-14T23:31:00.000-05:00

I have just finished reading Jen's weblog. It always seems to inspire me and I do not know why. Karen's inspires me even more so, and I believe it's because of the wonderous pictures she chooses to put in with her entries. They complement everything she writes ever so well. On that note - writing, that is - I am unable to write. Okay, that's a lie. Yes, I am literate. Quite. What I mean, though, is that I will read something Jamie or Karen or whomever has written and I get this tingly feeling because I am so proud to be able to say that I not only am acquainted with, but am actually a FRIEND of, someone who has managed to harness the written word at such an early stage in life, and can manipulate it and make these beautiful poems that I could only dream of creating. AH! AH AH AHHHH to be able to DO that! To be able to express my pent up emotions in such a way! Sometimes I can. Sometimes. Very few times. Usually I get so overwhelmed and frightened that I freeze and search for something to DO. So I flee. I go read, normally.

Today Brendan and Alison went to the grocery store. It was fun. That kid went nuts over the jelly beans. And I swear, they hide the freaking Liquid Plumber crap. Grrrrr!!!! Oh well. Hey did you know they have purple ketchup?! (Ketchup ... Catsup ... Ketchup ... Catsup ... hehe that one's for you Karen!) And now there's *Snicker's Spread*!! It was Chocolate, Caramel, and Peanuts. Right.... We also couldn't find Mozzerella cheese or Italian Sausage links. Communists.

A fly got pissed at me and decided to go kamikazee on my eye. Yes, that's right, it charged me in the EYE! I'm okay though. No worries.

I love Twothirtyeight. I wish I could be one of them.

I also love coconut. I love coconut, I really do. I got so excited tonite at Reasor's when I found instant coconut pudding :D Bren got jealous :D

Okay, now I'm going to go sleep. Tomorrow is Alison-And-Brendan-Travel-To-Stillwater-To-Measure-Al's-Room Day. And, it's Jamie-Ditches-Alison-For-Jill-And-Takes-Her-To-Colorado Day. Just kidding Jame, you know I still love you. We'll always have Branson! Save travels and Sweet dreams all around, kids.

2002-07-14T00:53:00.000-05:00

Regarding that last post... I'm actually NOT taking Freshman Comp. I meant to say Freshman ORIENTATION. AP took care of Comp but I'm too tired to immediately recognize the differences in the words "Composition" and "Orientation". Okay, that is all.

2002-07-14T00:49:00.000-05:00

Tonite was fun, but tense. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around certain people, about four of them, really. And it seems like sometimes, people can't just let go of past things. I don't know. Karen's birthday, and she, Kimberly, Jamie, Janae and I all went out. It was fun, though. It really was. Apparently they thought I was upset at leaving Barnes & Noble to go to a show. I wasn't. I was, however, upset about the remarks made.... the overreactions... the "change your attitude RIGHT NOW" and the "Geez, is Demetrios here or something?", things of that nature. I don't really care, though. I'm too tired to be bothered. I know it was a weird night so whatever. I'm not mad. I'm just trying to enjoy this last month of my time at home but it's bittersweet, you know? I'm leaving home! And it's also bittersweet because of Brendan. He's so great, he really really is. I just hate knowing that I'm about to lose him. I love spending time with him, and we have so much fun together. It really sucks that in around thirty days, we'll be 1200 miles apart. But, in his words, "we're breaking up on the best possible circumstances." Very true. Oh well, I'll just enjoy it while it lasts.

I am looking forward to my classes in August. I don't remember whether I've posted this, I don't think I have, so I'll go ahead and let all four of you who'll read this know my class schedule. But I don't feel like getting all specific about times so I'll start out saying Tuesdays and Thursdays, my first class is at nine and then on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, it's at noonthirty. Unless I get into the art class at 1030 which I am on a waiting list for. Anyway, I'm taking Intro to Art, Geology and Human Affairs (it's mostly Environmental Science), Computer Programming (in lieu of Calc or Trig or whatever, and then I'm done since I've had College Algebra), American Government, and that weirdo Freshman Comp class.

You know how a long time ago I said something about Camp Cowboy, and it being super lame and how there was only one other freshman there who I would consider hanging out with in the fall? Well, I talked to Lindsay (the girl) last night and I'm so glad I met her. Oddly enough, her boyfriend ("guy person", as I put Brendan and as she soon started to refer to um.... Daniel?... David?... ) is moving to Boston in August. Also I'm glad for her because she is going to ALPHA< this weird thing the weekend before school starts that I was worried I'd hate. I was seriously contemplating going home that first weekend. But I'll have her and, hopefully, I will meet some other people as well. My roomate will be a junior or sophomore or something, so she will not be there for this. Jame and Karen are coming down with me, Mom and Dad on the 15th to help me move in and decorate and all that. Hopefully my mom won't cry a lot. Last night I realized that I might cry too. I know for sure I'm going to cry a lot when Bren leaves. I hope I don't make him sad or anything. Agghhhhh!!! I'm going to go now, before I start thinking about it too much. Besides, I have to be at work at nine tomorrow morning. Fare well, all. Sweet dreams all around.

2002-07-07T00:31:00.000-05:00

I am pissed off at myself.

I adore art with every ounce of my being.... yet I can't seem to get up off my ass and so something about it. I took some photos the other day with Bren and before that, at the Pedro show. Before that, however, it had literally been around a month. I haven't written anything at all this summer. I am in a rut. I do, however, hit these sporadic times of inspiration - such as right now, and I can easily attribute that to having just read Jen's weblog for the first time and seriously enjoying it, and by the way if you're reading this, Jen, I was fascinated! - where I feel like I should be writing and painting and reading and photographing and just spreading myself as thin as possible to cover as many bases as I can but I can't breathe and I feel dizzy because I am so unbelieveably... OVERWHELMED. My heart is racing because I have so much pent up emotion and energy and feeling and thought and I just can't seem to stop typing. I have to go NOW, I have to go to my room NOW and pick up a pen or paintbrush or something oh God ANYTHING! I must must MUST do SOMETHING so I'm leaving now and I know I'm going to look at this tomorrow and think I lost too much blood or something but I"M FREAKING INSPIRED!

2002-07-07T00:10:00.000-05:00

Singing along to...

Pedro the Lion :: Rapture

TODAY:

Well... technically last night, in order to make sense. Stayed over at Janae's house; I hadn't seen Wimplet in quite some time. So it was tons of fun, we watched Meet the Parents and Jerry Maguire (which I'd never seen), and ended up going to sleep somewhere around 4 on her over-filled, new-bladdered *hehe* waterbed. I got up around 845 cause I had to be home by 9. Get home, take a shower, get out ... work calls. I was supposed to be there at 8, and here I am thinking I close. So I get to work around 940, and stay until 1045 or so, when Damien tells me that Erika is stuck in LA and cannot work tonite so could I leave, then come back at 4 and close? ::sigh:: you know, Damien, it's a good thing I love you.
So I went home and got online, and began the long process of transferring the fishies from the 55 gallon aquarium to the dirty 10 gallon one. I am halfway done cleaning the little one. I kidnapped Brendan around 1 and he came over and made french toast. We made these virgin strawberry daquiri things which he liked and Alison did not. Then we went back to his house because my parents came home. We had a time. I had to go to work at 4 so I left around 345 or so, and when I got to work I ended up working line. It was okay, though, because we were super slow. Bren came in around 530 and we had dinner cause Kendra loves me and made me take a break. We had Santa Fe Roasted Corn soup (my absolute favorite in the whole universe) and I made him a sammich to take to work. Then he left and went to work and I missed him. But later my momma came in, and it was good to see her because I never get to anymore. After she left, literally five minutes later, I was making a chicken caesar salad and, whilst slicing chicken breast, sliced a big notch into my thumb. It's deep. My eyes started watering instantly and I went to the back and was just kinda like "um um Kendra I'm hurt um um it's deep um um help help ummmmm!!" and she was like oooohhhh EW because it was gushing. Hehehe I'd seen it in movies but literally, every pulse beat sent a little pump of blood out. so we doused it in water and some spray crap that hurt quite a bit and wrapped it and held it and smushed it *that hurt the worst* and then we just put lots of bandages on it (and she made me wear a finger condom!!!) and then she took me to the back to sit down with her while she had her smoke break. So for the rest of the night I was kinda out of it. I moved slowly and thank God we were slow, and I'd already gotten a big part of my work done, so I was done at like *sigh* 950 or so. Then I went to Barnes, wear Amy and I joked around with Jeff, and Joe silently listened, and Demetrios was sad. He hugged me and all but after that was really sullen. I am sad for him, but it was his choice. This is for the better, anyway. I like Brendan. Okay, that is all. Later on I'll discuss Warped Tour, and the WONDERFUL Pedro the Lion show. Actually I probably won't, but it's good to make plans to do so, right? So maybe if Jamie threatens me enough, I'll get back to it. Otherwise, that's all the mention it gets on the weblog. Fare well, kiddos, I have to work at nine tomorrow. After work, Brendan & I are going to feed the squirrels at WoodWARD!!!! Park.

Sweet Dreams, Everybody!

2002-06-22T00:41:00.000-05:00

The One:

The One

Everyone makes one mistake
One more time for old time's sake
One more time before the feeling fades
One that's born of memories
One more bruise you gave to me
One more test just how much can I take
You're not the one,
but you're the only one who can make me feel like this
You're not the one,
but you're the only one who can make me feel like shit

Something never meant to be
Everything you meant to me
Wake me when this punishment is done
Those who try and get away
From the one who gets away
Someone's always someone else's one

You're not the one
but you're the only one who can make me feel like this
You're not the one
but you're the only one who can make me feel like shit
You're not the one
but you're the only one who can make me feel like this
You're not the one
but you're the only one who can make me feel like shit

Until the end of time In another life
Until the day I die
Just save it up for one more try
Save it for the next goodbye

We go on again off again on again off
You're not the one
but you're the only one who can make me feel like this
You're not the one
but you're the only one who can make me feel like shit
You're not the one
but you're the only one who can make me feel like this
You're not the one
but you're the only one who can make me feel like shit
You're not the one
but you're the only one who can make me feel like this
You're not the one
but you're the only one who can make me feel like shit

Foo Fighters

Question:

How can I be so unbelieveably special, and so important to someone, and mean so much...

yet not be enough?

Right now I'm feeling lost.

2002-06-19T00:05:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking:

... why doesn't he love me?
... why does my finger itch?
... is it going to work, this whole "Jamie kicking him in the back of the head with her words" scheme? Because it better.

I'm hearing:

... Twothirtyeight
... Alkaline Trio
... The Ataris
... Taking Back Sunday
... Phantom Planet

I'm thinking:

... Ashley is stupid. Not Carver, no no no, the other one. I love you Ash :D
... why am I not enough?
... I really really loved my car. I'm upset that it's gone.
... am I in love?
... why doesn't he love me?
... I feel alone.
... there are buggie bites on my legs.
... is Jill high? Although, Rusty really isn't such a bad nickname. It's kinda cool, actually. In a weird, twisted way.

I'm hearing:

... Radiohead
... more Phantom Planet
... Saves the Day
... Trust Company
... more Twothirtyeight

I'm thinking:

... I deserve more.

2002-06-17T10:12:00.000-05:00

Hmmm. I haven't posted in about... what, nineteen days? Oops. Just to bring everybody up to par, I'll try to stick as much crap in here as possible. For starters, I totaled my car on the 5th. Yes, totaled. I was going all of ten miles an hour, fifteen at the most... and it's gone. I was so attached to that car. I loved it, I really did. I still do. I liked it even more than weezer or even my caramel & coconut lattes, if that tells you anything. I was really into my little geo. And now it's gone. Long story short, I was driving in an industrial area, in the rain, but it was just drizzly. A car ahead of us stopped really fast to turn left, and that caused a chain reaction of people having to hit their breaks. When I hit mine, my car's so light I hydroplaned and smacked into the 2000 Mustang in front of me. Oh, joy. Anyway, I don't feel like rehashing all of the aftermath and stuff. I'm supposed to go looking for a new car soon, so we'll see what happens.

Also. Yesterday I returned home from Camp Cowboy. Oh man, am I glad to be home. Camp Cowboy is, simply put, a psychotic, adrenaline pumped weekend for incoming freshman at Oklahoma State. If you took a normal church camp, and then upped the God-factor by, oh, four times? And then changed the God stuff to OSU stuff... yea, that would pretty much sum up Camp Cowboy. I was bored out of my mind, and completely out of place. I was the only one not wearing a tshirt, shorts, and flip flops. One of very few without some name brand tattooed all over my body. I made one friend. Honestly, though, the people weren't that horrid. I only actually disliked a small percentage. The majority, I don't care about, frankly. I'm totally neutral about them. Maybe eight of them in all, out of over 100, would I consider actually hanging out with in the fall. Only one of those was another camper, the rest were counselors. They gave me hope. I saw that the majority of them were over the whole popularity contest, fashion show politics that stick with most people through the duration of high school and a bit into the college world. Hopefully everyone else will mature super fast. But, it's over, and let me tell you, I have never been so thrilled to see the Tulsa City Limits sign. Oh, sweet home. Even though I gripe about it constantly, it IS my home. It's familiar. It means my friends, my family, my pets, and oh gosh my coffee. I WENT WITHOUT CAFFEINE ALL WEEKEND, PEOPLE!

One good thing about this weekend, though: I did a lot of reading. I had just started Electroboy when I left... I finished that one and am now somewhere between 1/2 and 2/3 through with High Fidelity. By the way, if you like reading about twisted people and their mental states, I totally recommend Electroboy. I liked it a lot.

Another recent event: I realized, for real this time, that I am an idiot. I had myself convinced that I could recieve half of someone's care and affections... actually, it was really less than that... and be fulfilled. I told myself it was good enough. Probably because I didn't think that I was worthy or deserving of anything else. I wanted so desperately to be loved and for it to work that I didn't allow myself to see that I was dealing with someone who I couldn't force to love me. I can't force anybody to, and I really don't want to because then it wouldn't be real. But it really hurts to know that I've come full circle, and here I am again. Alone.

However, I don't regret it, really. I've learned a lot about myself and how I work with others. Maybe because of this I'll be less susceptible to sweet talkers.

I just feel kind of used.

Okay, enough with the sappiness and tears and heartache. Moving along to..

I like the Foo Fighters. I had forgotten about them. But I really do. Especially Everlong and Breakut. Oh and, I went to Super Target with my momma. James was right, that place rocks! I got some sleepy pants, and some towels for my future home (silver ones & navy ones. Woohoo!), and a car charger for my phone, and some Buttered Popcorn Jelly Bellys (I know hoe gross that sounds but oh MAN theyr'e good!), and let's see what else... OH and I got one of those little rings you put oil in and then set on your lightbulb to make the whole world smell good. And some juice because they only had Jones SODA not JUICE and I miss Betty soooo much!!! When Brendan & I went to Harvest the other day they had like every flavor EXCEPT Betty and I wanted to cry. But I didn't don't worry. Oh and I got some pudding cups (hehe that's only funny to like, two people, but still!). I think I will eat one now.

:::pudding cup interlude:::

In other news, YAY FOR WARPED TOUR!!!! So far, the tentative lineup is Alison, Karen, Chris, Demetrios, maybe Jamie, and who else??? I need to know these things people!

Well, that's all for now. I am going to go shower, then get a latte, then um clean my room I guess. Later kiddies. Oh and Jamie, you're welcome! I finally updated this thing. Hehe Adios people.

2002-05-29T08:37:00.000-05:00

For some odd reason, my weblog is doing funky things with the italicization of my posts. Grrr! Things I want italic aren't, and for some reason everything looks italic in my little archive area. Frustration. Frustration. Frustration.

Yesterday I got to work out a lot of the stuff I was dealing with, and some decisions were made which will definitely help me clear my head. I feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. I don't know, I guess I was feeling really guilty. I still kind of am but not nearly as much. But, stuff is better now.

I am going to keep this post short, because I am going to try to go see Brendan before he goes to work. Also, I have to go to the doctor at one. So, down to business.

Jamie totally ripped into High Fidelity. I don't feel like defending it right now, since I'm so tired and have only seen the movie, and that only once. All I know is, I really enjoyed the movie, and many of the artistic elements added. Marie has the coolest apartment ever. Oh also, who cares about spoons? Blah.

I got James a fish, it's so cool. I hadn't ever seen a betta that color - it's clear and deep red and many shades of pink and such, but the cool part is how the red doesn't stop until about halfway through the fins. I know that makes no sense. The point is, it's a freaking cool fish. She named it Posiedon. I took it to her at Barnes & Noble, where Tim wanted to cook it, and Jamie tried to drink it.

I'm so in love with Taking Back Sunday, still. Man, they're good. For the record, Jamie, that was not a cue to rip their album apart (joking, joking!! I swear I am joking!!!). No, I respect your strong view on music. Anyway, Taking Back Sunday! I love the singer's voice. It's not that it's unique or anything super special. Karen, I believe, thinks he sounds like the singer from Thursday. Yea, sort of. I just love his voice because it's so much fun to sing along with. I don't know why, there are just some people I like singing along with and he is definitely one of them. I am currently listening to their song Great Romances of the 20th Century. Here are some lyrics:

September never stays this cold
where I come from and you know…..
I’m not one for complaining. (…I’m in your room…)
but I love the way you’d roll
excuses off the tip of your tongue
as I’d slowly (…slowly, quietly, slowly…)
fall apart. (..."I’m falling apart, I’m falling apart...")
This won’t mean a thing come tomorrow,
and that’s exactly how I’ll make it seem. (Is this turning you on?)
“…I’m still not sleeping”
Thinking “I’m thinking maybe…..”
I’ve crawled home from worse than this
(…I’m on the corner of your bed…).
So please,
Please,
Please,

I’m running out of sympathy
...I never said I’d take this lying down.
She says: “c’mon, let’s just get this over with.”
you always come close but you never come easy…..
and I still know everything.
If it’s not keeping you up nights
then what’s the point? (…Are you turned on..?)

That's exactly how they appear on the website. I love how they put the background screaming/singing/scratching in little brackets. I know, looking at the lyrics it's nothing. But man, blended with the great music they manage to create for this piece melds everything into this beautiful, harmonious song that just drips with emotion. I like it a bunch. I do.

2002-05-27T23:28:00.000-05:00

Another reason I adore twothirtyeight. Chris, the lead singer / guitarist, is so freaking random. He seems to think just like me. Here's an example: an entry from their webjournal thingy. It cracks me up.

01.15.02- ok. our government wastes allot of money on some very silly stuff...they waste OUR money on silly stuff i guess i should say. mostly on programs that never directly effect or concern us. i was very pleased though when i visited my public library for the first time this week. i was literally blown away at all the free stuff i can check out. i can check out R.E.M, redhotchillipeppers cd's, pink floyd, etc., etc. i can also check out videos. i checked out bob dylan unplugged and an R.E.M. home video. they have movies that you would find at blockbuster but they are free and you rent them for ten days. i was so floored. it's hard to believe that uncle sam is using my tax money for something valid....something that supports the arts! they also have like 20 computers that are so freaking fast i can even believe it. i sat at a computer for 2 hours on wednesday.

i decided, since my computer is so slow, to book our march tour entirely on the public library computers. america is a great place if you look in the right places. get a library card tomorrow.

Hehehe... I love them! Here, yet another example! (yes, I'm really amused, and I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. I know I'm being laughed at for this but honestly, I don't care at all!) Another entry, this one reminds me of Jason!

02.18.02.- i don't want to talk about music, bands, labels or other scene-related excess.

women are born with all the eggs they are ever going to have. i'm pretty shocked at all the women who don't know this. we're talking about your bodies here. this is important stuff. let's get educated. knowledge is power. anyway the reason it's risky to have kids when you're over 40 is because the eggs are totally aged. eggs are not like wine. they don't get better with age. luckily, doctors can harvest the eggs of a woman in her 20's and freeze them until she is ready. essentially, she can have a baby with 20 year old eggs when she is 40. this is good news for women. how about some trivia? can someone tell me how many people we're killed in the pearl harbor bombing? i need an exact number and i'll send you a treat. (you'll have to validate it somehow because i don't know.)-love, chris.

The reason that reminds me of J is because he told me I should donate my eggs; that I'm "sitting on a goldmine!!". Yes, he used those exact words. Well, time to sign off for now. I'm being nagged by my loving father. Goodnite all.

2002-05-26T00:43:00.000-05:00
I love twothirtyeight. Seriously. They are a beautiful band. I mean, come on, halfway through their set we're calling their friends via cell phone. Later, let's look at some family slides!! "That's my dad when he was a kid.. yea his legs are broken there. There he is playing football..." Oh they're so fun. And the drummer. Oh gosh, so some people think I'm in love with him or something. I have this total nonsexual crush on him. It's so weird. I don't know, he just... intrigues me? There are many people like that. I see them and I watch them and think, "wow, I would like to be that person's friend. I would like to sit and talk with them, and pick their brain for awhile." He is one of those people. He just appears so freaking interesting. Yes, he is quite attractive but that just helps matters. I wanted to go up to him and talk to him tonite but I had to get going because my father is an obsessive crazy person who does not understand that I am no longer twelve.

But whatever.

I had to work today from 8 am until 4. That would have been fine but I came home at one this morning. Tonite I got home at midnite... I have to go to work at seven.

On a random sidenote, my father is wandering throughout the house in a flowery robe.

Okay, back to the show.

I work until three tomorrow, and then I am going to watch DVDs with Demetrios while writing Thank-You notes for all the great stuff I was given for graduation. I'm so glad I'm finally out of high school. ::sigh:: I can breathe!!! I can seriously, truly, freely, BREATHE!

I suppose I should be heading to bed soon. I can't get over how wonderful twothirtyeight is. I bought a t-shirt and a patch and a button from them and I got 3 free stickers. I also got a Rocket Summer t-shirt and free sticker. The Rocket Summer is a nice little band. I think that they definitely have potential; there's promise in them. I figured, hey, they're on their way. I think I will give them $10 in exchange for this t-shirt, because it's a cool shirt. That t-shirt is red. I'm so into red right now. Yesterday I got a pair of red pants and a plain red shirt with this cool neck at the thrift store. Jamie and I each got a coconut glass, as well. I also got two other pairs of pants, and a jacket, and this little fish thing which I intend to use as a cone incense burner. Demetrios says it's for potpourri.
Jamie got a great wallhanging, window shade, thing. It's wood slats and yarn. . .

Goodnite all.

2002-05-22T23:49:00.000-05:00
Man. I have not updated in more than a week. I am bad. I'll run through what has happened during this past week.... 8 days, really... I don't remember a lot of it but I remember stuff since, oh, Friday? okay so let's talk about that. I know that before then I hung out with Brendan a few times and I saw Anna a bit. Anyway, Friday. Demetrios picked me up around noon, and we went to Barnes & Noble for coffee mmmm and while there, found out that Amy was graduating that night and there was this huge miscommunication. Long story short, D had to work 7 til 9 that night. So we left, a bit unhappy but it was okay, and we went to Woodland Hills. He got some shirts, boxers, belts, and some great smelly stuff at the Body Shop. I FINALLY got low top red Con's, which I have been searching for for the past month or so. I also purchased some hemp lip balm and coconut (coke - oh - nut!!) *body butter* (mmmmm....). I know I bought something else but don't remember what. OH YEA! Pajama pants. I'm wearing them now, ahh they're so comfy :D We hung out some more, and we also hung out after he worked, til around midnight thirty. The next day we bought some flowers and took them to Mary's grave. It took awhile to find it; I phoned Kim and Karen, who didn't really remember exactly where it was, but soon after I called them I found it. It was sad... I was really really glad to go, though. I hadn't been there in more than a year and it was a few days after the four year anniversary of her death. So, that was a good thing. That day we also visited Nard at work and Anna at home (she made us bread with apples and wheat flower! SOOOO delicious!). We did something else too but I don't remember what. Then, Sunday, I had to be at church at 9 because my parents' Sunday School class had a little celebration for this other girl, Jessica, and I because we graduated. Yay us. Also, they recognized the seniors in the service, so Karen, Chris, Jessica, and Michael and I all stood up on the chancel and they gave us books and clapped for us. Then the youth choir sang a song for us. It was... um... well, they tried :D I appreciated the effort. Then I went home. Anna came over a little later, and we changed and went to the Renaissance Faire!!! IT WAS SO FREAKING AWESOME!!! I had a blast, oh wow. There was this absolutely beautiful choker there, which I reallllly wanted, It had beads the very color of my eyes. It was $36, though... I had $37. So, no. Instead, I got a vial of patchouli essential oil (ahhhhh!), and a really cool Celtic box for Brendan, two little Chinese food boxes of bath salts, and I made an amulet for Demetrios. Oh, and I purchased a $2 bottle of water (it was only Aquafina! GEEZ!!) and some wonderful lemonade. We had a time. We went to Barnes & Noble afterward and I got 3 aromatherapy books, and I bought a fantasy novel for Anna instead of money for the ticket to the Faire, as well as a great little sketchbook which she deserved. Also, we both got our first doses of caffeine of the day... at 7 pm. OH DEAR. Needless to say, I slept well Sunday. Monday, I went to Freaks with Demetrios, where he got both nipples pierced. Poor kid, he's still in pain. I got yet another aromatherapy book. I'm so into this stuff oh god. I went to work an hour late (Don't worry, I had permission), and it was kinda crazy because Edgar's girlfriend had her baby so we were short handed. It was all okay in the end though. After work, Brendan came over, and I gave him the box. Or actually, I think I gave him the box Sunday night. Yea, he came over then too. Did he come over last night too??? Oh dear I do not remember. No, I don't think I saw him last night. Aside from when he came to visit me at work, anyway. I love when my friends come to see me :D They love it too because I give them free stuff. Tonite Anna and Corinne came to see me. Anna even got me a Coconut & Caramel latte from B&N! Sweet, no? I think so. Anyway back to history... Yesterday Demetrios and I saw Star Wars. Oh wow, Adam and Jamie and D and everybody else in the whole freaking world were sooo right. It was great. I know everybody knows this but, YODA FIGHTS!!! The best thing about that was how he had this littler, Yoda-sized light saber and he was all spinning around and stuff. Picked the cane back up immediately after the fight, of course. It was so cool. We saw Brendan while we were there, too. I felt bad because I jabbed D in the nipples. :X I didn't mean too! I hope he doesn't turn into Chris about them. Chris is always running around showing them to people and rubbing them on stuff. HAHA he hung glosticks off them once... It was quite scary. I'll look for the picture of that. Anywho, today, I slept a lot. A whole lot. It was great. I woke up around 1130 and I took a bath, complete with Aphrodite scented bath salts. I went to Barnes & Noble for my daily grande latte enema, then off to work. We had a good night. It wasn't too busy. I worked line and only had to grab Damien twice. Sometimes when I work line with him I feel slow. I don't like feeling slow. Kendra's so awesome on the line, oh man. She's just great in general. We talk about sex a lot hahhaha. Anyway, work. I closed line alone but Elaina the Great helped me a lot. I got done at 920. Then I came home! That brings us to now. Now, lyrical time. OH YEA I GOT NERDY EMO GLASSES!!! WOOHOOO!!! Okay lyrics for real now:

Your lipstick, his collar, don't bother Angel. I know exactly what goes on. When everything you'll get is everything that you've wanted, Princess, which would you prefer? My finger on the trigger or me face down across your floor? Just so long as this thing's loaded... And will you tell all your friends, you've got your gun to my head. This all was only wishful thinking. Don't bother trying to explain, Angel. I know exactly what goes on, when you're wrong and how about I'm outside of your window? Watching him keep the details covered. You're such a sucker for a sweet talker - such a sucker. And will you tell all your friends, you've got your gun to my head. This all was only wishful thinking. And the only thing I regret is that I never let you hold me back. Hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens. A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins. I won't ask if you don't ever tell me. I know you well enough to know you never loved me. Why can't I feel anything for anyone other than you? Why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you? And all of this was all your fault. I stay wrecked and jealous for this simple reason: I just need to keep you in mind as something larger than life... Just find a way to blame somebody else...

: : Taking Back Sunday : : : Cute Without the 'E' : :

GOD I LOVE THAT BAND. They're so great. Oh so freaking wonderful. Lyrically, musically, everything. They're my official Band-Of-The-Moment (if you'll remember, the most recent BOTM was Thursday). Right now, I'm hearing Head Club, by Taking Back Sunday, still. Once that ends, we're on to Great Romances of the 20th Century. This is yet another band that Jason has clued me into. How does that always happen?! He'll mention a great band and I'm like woohoo go do research! So while I'm DLing like crazy off of Grokster, I'll tell him about another new band I've heard of. Response? "Oh yea, they're cool. Their LP/EP/Song, ____________, is really great. Have I not told you about them yet?" Thursday. Small Brown Bike. Planes Mistaken for Stars. Midtown. Texas Is The Reason. ALL OF THEM! I JUST CAN'T WIN! Oh well, at least I didn't wreck my gorgeous black Jeep Cherokee. That's all I'm going to say on this subject, otherwise J would sprint the distance to Tulsa to beat me up. At least he'll have a good sound system in the Jeep.

Anna and I made patchouli lip balm the other day. The night I graduated. OH YEA!! That's another thing that happened in the time since I have posted: I graduated from high school! How the hell did I manage to forget that one?? Okay. Well, yes, Wednesday night, at 7pm at the Mabee Centre I graduated. I'm done! It's over!! YAY! ....

...

Okay, so now that I think about it...

It's just beginning. Good God this is going to be a trip. College. Oh well, I'll have fun. I'm really looking forward to it. I could go tomorrow if it didn't mean leaving everything and everyone important to me behind, an hour & ten minutes down the road.

2002-05-14T23:52:00.000-05:00
Please die Ana, for as long as you're here we're not. You make the sound of laughter, and sharpened nails seem softer. And I need you now somehow... Open fire on the needs designed on my knees for you... Imagine pageant. In my head the flesh seems thicker. Sandpaper tears corrode the film and I need you now somehow... Open fire on the needs designed on my knees for you... And you're my obsession, I love you to the bone. And Ana wrecks your life... like an anorexia life...

. Silverchair ... Ana's Song .

2002-05-14T10:15:00.000-05:00
Guten Montag, meine Freunden!! Wow I don't think that was gramatically correct... I no longer take German. Anyway, hey kids. Guess what Alison did last night? She slept. And she LIKED IT. Also, my dad just called to apologize for his having been an ass to me last night, and I backed up to lean against the wall while on the phone with him...and proceeded to knock the clock off the wall. It broke. I haven't picked it up yet. I will in a bit. For now, though, I feel like typing, and must be quick about it because I have to be at school soonish for yet another graduation rehearsal. ::sigh:: Just let me out of here already!!

Last night, a man at the park tried to kill Ana and I. Well, not really, he just informed us that he was fully capable of doing so, being an ex-Green Beret and all. We pulled one of those "Oh, wow, look at the time! Gotta get!" things and sprinted before he tried to rape us... or bum another of Ana's cigarettes. She would have been cool with that if she wasn't rolling them herself. Those are not cheap, nor easy when you have never rolled your own before. I'll tell you, it's quite entertaining to watch a crazy Croatian girl learning to roll cigarettes in a moving vehicle.

Today I have to clean my room. And I do mean CLEAN. It's bad. You have no idea. The rest of my house is fairly trashed as well, so I shall have lots of fun. I'm coming home by 330 and then my mother and I will proceed to clean, clean, clean. I have this rehearsal at school at 1130. Hopefully, it will be over by 1 or so, because Demetrios and I had to cancel our plans and I really want to see him, though it will be brief. He's one of my favorite people, but we don't really get to see each other a lot outside of Barnes & Noble (Hey, no comments about my little addictions and vices here, okay people?!?).

I really hope I can go to Warped Tour. Oh geez I want to go. I'm going. There. It will be so great... I've already requested off work, and I know the couples are probably going, so it will be awesome. Okay well half of the couples. And it's Karen and Chris who are the most likely to come, and they are not a couple themselves. That's getting confusing, I know. Let me put it this way: four of my closest friends are dating each other. Kimberly and Chris are together, and then Karen and Craig are together. Make any more sense now? Didn't think so. Hey, I miss Chris. Hmm.

I really get irritated with my parents treating me like I am still 15 or something. They STILL don't allow me to stay out late, really. I mean, I understand on school nights and such, but really, when I have to be at school at *gasp* 1130, I think around 2 is a reasonable time to expect your daughter home, no? I had to beg for midnight. Grrr. I'm 18. Let me fly. Let me BREATHE. I came home a bit after 11, though, so maybe that was something that will make a good impression on the parents.

I'm going to leave now, and in my place will be lyrics. Can you tell I adore music and learning the words to sappy songs? Oh yes. Yes, I do.

Harder every time, it starts to show on my face and on my wall where all her pictures fall. Getting over three leaf clover, that I thought was four. It's just the same as before. Forget me girl, I'm still recovering from her. It hurt so. I'm sorry girl, I'm in no shape to love. It's not you, it's her. An absent minded find was thought to be a lucky break, but what's at stake is only dignity. Alone I'll stand, as they all dance. I've tangoed one too many times, the floor's just not for me. So, take it slow, even stop every now and again, when I say when, here we go. On our way to sudden change, turn the tables to point the other way, and I'm dismayed. And if I stop breathing keep your arms around me

::: Three's A Charm :: The Starting Line :::

2002-05-13T17:14:00.000-05:00
Well, here we are again. I went to bed too late again last night and my tummy hurts right now. I probably ought to eat something soon. I didn't feel like eating, though, so I had two lattes. Don't worry, they were consumed about 3 hours apart. I'll be fine. Hey, everybody, Twothirtyeight is coming back to Tulsa. Karen and Alison are superexcited. Here is a sample of their fine work...

So tired you could sleep with the light on, with the stereo blasting in your ear, you know you're tired when your senses fail. I'm a coin-laundry loser with a degree*. I'm the car alarm in an 83 Pontiac, painted black. Keep the loved ones posted, someday they will have to come and bail you out. Hold your breath, count to ten, save your cursing for the navy wingnut. So caught up in being notesworthy, the average ghost is haunting someone else. You know you're wired when your senses fail...

*Karen and I were just discussing this, because in the lyrics it says "degrss". Now, neither of us have heard of the word "degrss"; just to verify, I looked it up in the dictionary. It does not exist (not in the English language, anyway). So, after pondering whether, perhaps, they intended to say DIGRESS or something of that nature, I listened to the song a few times. Karen and Alison have decided that Twothirtyeight intended to put the word "degree" in their lyrical insert and just somehow messed it up. So, yea. there's that.

You know what I seriously hate? I am constantly downloading stuff on Grokster because I love music with every ounce of my being and, yea it's great. So, what sucks is, every so often I'll be downloading something from a band whose name begins with THE (i.e., The Ataris). Now, you would alphabetically place that at the beginning, because Ataris begins with an A. But NO!! Half of the songs are in the right place, and then I go frantically searching for the other songs I have pirated... and they're under THE. Then, later on I will forget that and download the same song, or just be pissy because I have to scroll around so much to play several of their songs. Oh gosh it's irritating. Yes, I know, you can "Edit Details" and all that, and believe me, I do. But it is SUCH A HASSLE because that scrolls you up to the new title... so you then have to scroll alllll the way back to the "THE" section.
I doubt that any of this made sense but, oh well.

I now am trying to find out what time I have to be at school in the morning, because it was just brought to my attention that we have a rehearsal. Terrific. I have plans. WHAT ABOUT MY PLANS?! So I also have to track down Demetrios. ::sigh:: I just want to hang out with my friends!! Can I PLEASE graduate already?!?! GEEZ PEOPLE! Okay anyway, I am leaving now. Fare thee well, kiddies.

The Alison

2002-05-12T12:42:00.000-05:00
Today Alison is wearing a tank top. Alison NEVER wears tank tops, but today I have on this black stretchy thing I got at :X theGap! It is super comfortable, though not warm. So I have a cowboy shirt on as well. I also am wearing new jeans. I thought you should all know.

Austin is making me listen to crappy music on his little playlist he set up before allowing me to use the computer. So, I'm skipping through all the Godsmack and George Carlin and such. I went right to Foo Fighters. I'll let him listen to Something Corporate (I cannot believe he likes that song! It's practically EMO!), the Vandals, Smashing Pumpkins, Silverchair, and such.

Last night, I went to sleep around 4. I didn't realize it was so late. I talked to Brendan for around 2.5 hours. It was interesting. Also, today is Mother's Day. I bought my momma a book. Austin got her a huge bag of M&M's. I kinda feel bad because I do not have a card for her. I suppose I shall go make one, soon. We are going to lunch at a buffet-type place. I wanted to go to Joe's Crab Shack (though I am unsure why, exactly), but it looks as though we are going to Royal Dragon. MMmmmmmm they have great cheese wontons and veggie spring rolls.

I have to work tonite, at around 4. Lesleigh's staying an hour late for me so I can do lunch with mom. I do not have to work Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday, though ... Wednesday night is my graduation! Monday I think I will be going to the mall with Demetrios. I have decided that he should wear those long sleeve button down shirts. He will probably think that's too close to his work uniform. Oh well. Then Tuesday I think I'm going to Bath Junkie with Anna, and then hanging out with Bren. I hope I get to go to Bath Junkie, too, because I am out of Patchouli lotion (though Adam, inexplicably, can always smell it on me. Mullet-man is crazy!).

I think I will go now, because I have to wrap the bunnies my dad got for my mom. Don't worry, they're fake bunnies. I would never wrap real bunnies.

An old friend who lives in Arkansas came by this morning and brought me a graduation present.
It's a pretty picture frame.
I like it.

Goodbye, and take care, kiddies!

"Shake down, you make me break, for goodness sake, I think I'm on the edge of something new with you. Shout out don't drown the sound, I'll drown you out. You'll never scream so loud as I want to scream with you.
Standing there with your smile blinding your eyes from seeing my face as I'm dying to figure out a girl. But she drifts so far away, I'm on her coast, so maybe I should stay and map around her world.
So don't say, 'these currents are still killing me', and you can't explain, how the wind went and pulled you into the hurricane.
Stand up, don't make a sound, your ears might bleed, there are sweet fluorescent enemies that live inside of me. The world moves faster than I knew, not fast enough to not creep up on you and the space we put betwen. So pull me under your weather patterns, your cold fronts and the rain don't matter, because a sun burn's what I needed.
You don't do it on purpose but you make me shake, now I count the hours til you wake. With your babies breath, breathe symphonies. Come on sweet catastrophe. Maybe this time I can follow through, I can feel complete, stop paying dues. Stop the rain from falling, keep my oceans calm, this time I know, nothing's wrong."

(Something Corporate : Hurricane)

2002-05-10T11:58:00.000-05:00
I have good aim.

2002-05-10T11:12:00.000-05:00
Jamie the Great sent me a copy of Road Not Taken, so I didn't have to search for it and type it up and all that. Isn't she spectacular? I think so. Anyway, here is Mr Frost's poem:

"The Road Not Taken"
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Bcause it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

WOOOO!!! :::applause::: I love that poem. It's definitely my favorite; it has made the most impact on me. I love it to death. Anyway, I was sitting here thinking of other things Jamie sent me, and it made me think about how much I like Saves The Day. Chris Connelly can write really, really well. The other day I was sad and James sent me a little passage from a superb STD (hehe) song:

"And your love will be warm nights, and pockets of moonlight spotlighting you as you drift, the actor in this play. As you walk across the stage, take a bow, hear the applause. And as the curtain falls, just know you did it all the best that you knew how. You can hear them cheering now, so just smile and show your teeth, because you know you lived it well."
(--This Is Not An Exit--)

The cool thing about their lyrics is how often he talks about death and damage and stuff like that. Maybe it's not cool to everybody but I find it great the way you have this new school punk-turned-emo band, with really deep, poignant lyrics, and every so often you catch something like "The last time that I saw you, August of 99. I should have had my hammer and a few rusty spikes to nail you on a wall. And use bottles to catch your blood, and display you for the neighbors so they know your time had come. And I'll drink your blood. Feel it dripping down my throat..." ya know, lovely things like that. The song gets better :D It's called As Your Ghost Takes Flight, in case you want to download it or something.

Anyway, I'm going to sign off now. I have to go to the mall to buy a present, and to look for a "nice shirt" to wear to Hallie's graduation tonite. I'm going to Shawnee, Oklahoma this evening to watch my original best friend graduate. I haven't seen her in forever. I'm going to leave you with the lyrics to yet another Saves the Day song, Blindfolded. I adore this song. I've felt exactly this way several times. Here goes:

"So now I've made the decision to walk behind you, in the dark, for the rest of my life. And I'll never show my face again, because it's too scarred and bloody to be enough. And I don't have the right stuff, all I have are empty boxes to carry away your heart. I think that tonite I will sneak into your house, and I'll sing songs and wake you up. And I'll take you blindfolded, dancing onto bridges, and you'll say you don't want to be with me. No one ever does. No one ever thinks of me that way. But I will even drive you home if you never let me forget about you, and if you promise me that I'm good enough for someone cause I've got to be good enough for you. And someday soon I'll get it right, and then you'll see just how good I can be. So don't ask me about forever, because right now I'm feeling lost. So there's got to be someplace for me, because if there isn't, where will I go? Will there be some place for me, and will you be there waiting for me? If and when we get there, please catch me before I crawl all the way home. I won't stop until you do."

::sigh::

2002-05-09T13:24:00.000-05:00
After you back it up and stop, now walk, walk, walk, drop it like it's hot!

2002-05-09T11:20:00.000-05:00
QUOTE TIME!!

No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life
are made. Destiny is made known silently.
--Agnes De Mille, Dancer

If sleep, which is but the picture of death is pleasurable--
how much more pleasurable might be death?
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson (Jamie's love!)

The understanding that underlies the right decision grows
out of the clash and conflict of opinions and out of the
serious consideration of competing alternatives.
--Peter Drucker

No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece
of the Continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed
away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a
promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of
thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am
involved in Mankind; And therefore never send to know for
whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
--John Donne (who, by the way, was a great poet. If you like that old school rhymetry, primarily about tolling bells and death, hehe, then you should check out some of Donne's stuff. I highly recommend it!)

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
--Albert Einstein

Hatred can be overcome only by love.
--Mahatma Gandhi

What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It
is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the
little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself
in the sunset.
--Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior

What single ability do we all have? The ability to change.
--Leonard Andrews

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live
in torment if you don't trust enough.
--Frank Crane, Biblical scholar and author

"The Tyger"
by William Blake

Tyger, tyger, burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder & what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat
What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? What the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears
And watered heaven with their tears:
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger, tyger, burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

We read this poem in english and I really really liked it. It has a companion poem, called the Lamb. When I locate it I'll stick it on here, too. I really also like Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken. Oh wow. I'll find that one, too.

That's all for now.

2002-05-09T10:28:00.000-05:00
I just woke up. I meant to go to school today but didn't. Now it's too late, though, because my school day's over in 45 minutes anyway and it would take me at least that long to get there. *sigh* I woke up becase I somehow heard my phone ringing, even though it was on quiet and across the house. Impressive, no? I think so.

I have to work tonite and am not sure whether or not I am looking forward to it. Tuesday I definitely was NOT happy about work. I had a huge algebra test yesterday, worth 30% of my grade, just so you know, and I needed Tuesday night to study. However, when I tried to call in, I discovered that two people had beaten me to that and we were already quite shorthanded. Gotta love the way things work that way. No, I suppose I'm cool with working tonite. I need to study some more for that test I have to re-take at work... the one that gets me a nice, healthy, happy raise!

Today will be a pretty decent day. I have something I must do today or tomorrow that I am not at all looking forward to. I will probably do it today, though, because tomorrow I will already be in a crummy mood. Tomorrow is May 10, the four year anniversary of the death of one of my best friends. Mary committed suicide on Mother's Day, four years ago. May 10 always sucks now, as does Mother's Day. Anyway, before I start dwelling on that, I have to accomplish something. I must. I have between now and 330 pm, when I need to be at work. Five and one half hours. I don't think that that is going to happen. Perhaps I'll lock myself in my room instead, and paint. Yea, that sounds like a good idea. I'll get shower, get dressed, all that, then go to Barnes & Noble, get my latte, say hey to whichever of my buddies are working, then return home and paint my face off. The conversation must wait. Karen has to do stuff too. We talked the other day about how scared we both are. But, this stuff must be done. I love you Karen! You can do it, kiddo! :D

I really like emo music. I do. A lot of people *cough cough* BRENDAN! *cough* CHRIS! *cough* just don't appreciate it and all the beautiful emotions accompanying it. Right now, I'm listening to Dashboard Confessional, telling me about dreaming of things so impossible. God I love this man. I think maybe one reason, the main one, probably, is that he can take circumstances everyone has been in, and experiences we have all had, and just squeeze every last drop of emotion out of them, somehow putting the feelings to lyrics. Really, how many people can put their feelings into words this beautifully? Very, very few, that's how many!

Okay, I'm getting all sappy now, and I feel like I stink. I'm going to go take a shower now. I'm listening to a punk cover of Back That Thang Up - it's either by My Gay Uncle or Darwin's Waiting Room, I'll research that and get back to you. Fare well, kiddies!

2002-05-08T23:33:00.000-05:00
My first post and I haven't a clue as to what to write. Jamie inspired me... I was reading her weblog earlier - in its entirety, believe it or not - and I realized that I really, really needed to write. I haven't written something tangible in months. I think tonite I will talk about how much I love art. Or at least, I'll start from there. I know I'll digress and end up somehow discussing African Elephants or something, but oh well. Okay. ART:

I love art. I love the creative process more than just about anything. For me, the focus isn't so much the end result. I mean, I don't go around looking for something specific when I've got my camera in my hand (though I did that when enrolled in a photography class. But assignments are another story), and I cannot for the life of me understand how some artists can work one piece to death, sketching out rough ideas again and again and reworking them over and over. I suppose it works for some people... especially the perfectionists. I feel, though, that it's more about the mood. Perhaps this is only because I'm not talented enough to recreate lifelike objects, and thus am forced into the abstract. I don't know. I just think that since the mood I'm in reflects the colors and shapes and what have you that I pin down to the canvas, THAT is the important part. I love to sit and stare at the work of others and try to figure out what they were thinking, what they felt, what was going through their head when they created that. Maybe I'm just crazy and analytical but that's the thing I love to do. Gosh I hope I get good soon. I want to be able to remove these ideas from my head and get them out in the open, where other people can see them. I honestly don't care whether they appreciate them or not, as long as they're there to be noticed. Uh oh, the dog needs inside, and I need lip balm

...

I really want nerdy glasses now. Adam mentioned something about me getting some tonite, while we were watching Not Another Teen Movie with the naked foreign exchange student and the best friend with the bum leg, and now I'm suddenly obsessed with the thought of wearing nerdy glasses. Perhaps it's because yesterday, this girl came into our store and she looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Finally I realized that we went to elementary school together! She got so cute too. Anyway, the point of that pseudo-story is that she was wearing nerdy glasses and looked really cool, even though they didn't quite fit her soccer shorts and tight shirt. Oh well, Bishop Kelley can drag ya down, right? Right.

Hummus strangely resembles cat vomit. I can still clearly remember the day I went to the walk-in refrigerator to restock the mini fridge up front, and someone had knocked over a huge vat of hummus and decided not to clean it up. It seriously looked like a pile of cat regurgitation. Gross.

Now my tummy growls at me. I forgot to have dinner... I seriously intended to eat dinner, but Austin and I went to Barnes & Noble this evening and I got a latte out of sheer habit. I also got some new books: one is something by Garrison Keillor, purchased just in tme for Mother's Day. My mom likes him and his Lake Wobegon ways. For myself, though, I got How To Be Good, a book by Nick Hornby, he being the mastermind behind High Fidelity. What a great movie. Adam was right. I also bought this book called A Conspiracy of Tall Men, by Noah Hawley. It looks promising... It's about this young professor of conspiracy theory whose wife dies en route to Brazil, from New York, but she was supposed to be flying from San Fransisco to Chicago!! Dun dun dunnn... I'm almost through with A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. I'm taking my sweet time, but I WILL finish it, because Jamie told me I won't. So now I must.

Speaking of musts, I can feel the latte draining from my system and my bed calling me. I'm going to go to it now, and envelope myself in the warm, squishy, plaid goodness that is my down comforter. Signing off for tonite....